As y’all know I struggled and sometimes still stuggle with confidence in myself. Weighing in at 460-ish pounds I can find it hard to be confident in my skin. This seems to be a thing most of the plus sized people I know seem to suffer from sadly. This post is for those types of people. But even if you have the confidence of a deity, you can read on!
A lot of the time I get what I call “mean brain” syndrome, which is just my brain being a negative douchebag. Trying to figure out what to wear makes it even worse. I’m what I call a fashion challenged gay. I have no fashion sense whatsoever. I don’t understand fashion rules or anything. If it’s cute or comfy, I wear it. This again doesn’t help the negativity of my brain. After a lot of trial and error I did find something that helps somewhat of said mean brain syndrome. That is wearing the shirts or clothing of my fandoms. I don’t know what it is, but there is something different when I decide to wear my fandom or nerdy clothing.
The most common shirts I seem to wear are from the Supernatural actors charity campaigns. It makes me feel closer to them. I even got some campaigns as tattoos. When I wear these clothes I feel more confident in my own skin, I feel powerful. On top of that, it was fun!
I think what I enjoyed the most on wearing fandom gear is when you find others wearing it, or they find you. Several times I’ve had people come over and talk Supernatural with me or even give me a hug (after asking for permission first). It’s a great way to get a quick glimpse inside of someone. It can be a real icebreaker when you are both a fan of something.
These days I use fandom shirts and clothing as rewards for myself. If I reach a goal, or if I do something hard for me to conquer, I get myself a nice piece of clothing. This has helped my self image grow bit by bit over time. I have some more growing to do, but with the help of the shirts and the people I meet along the way I know I’ll get there one day.
Sadly there is a downside I have found when it comes to geeky fandom clothing. Depending on how plus sized you are, there are limitations of what companies offer bigger sizing. One of the most disappointing for me is TeeTurtle. I love their shirts, I own a few of them. Back when I would order from them, they only offered 2XL. As of checking while writing this, it seems like they offer 3XL for men’s unisex shirts, but only 2XL for womens.
Most of the shirts I wear are from either Represent or Stands. Finding affordable cute fandom shirts is still one of my goals. But I also find that I buy some shirts that are smaller with the intention of losing weight to fit them.
This is exactly what I did with Jared Padalecki’s most recent Always Keep Fighting campaign, You Define You. I bought three shirts, one being a 4XL so I can enjoy it now. I also got a 2XL and a 1XL, I believe. It might be a long shot but this way I have something to look forward to, as these shirts are limited and not something that will be reprinted. Now sometimes this can be a good motivator, sometimes it’s a reminder. Take mental stock of how seeing the shirt will make you feel before buying smaller sizes.
Now do y’all reading this find that you feel more confident when wearing fandom merch? Or is it just another day. Please let me know what type of fandom merch you wear when you need that boost, or anything that you wear for that boost.
It’s been a while since I posted one of these. Can you believe it’s been four years? I figured I might try to get back into it. This episode is about, of course, weight. I’ve done some learning and growing and I’m going to try to put that in this episode. Some trigger warnings being: weight, depression, eating disorders, purging, etc.
The past two years I’ve done some growing and learning about myself and this whole plus sized thing. I’ve spent my life trying to lose weight, trying to get smaller because I couldn’t be above 180lbs. It was just massively unhealthy and unsightly. That is how I grew up. Fat was ugly and bad and if you were fat, then you were bad and ugly. I’ve struggled with eating disorders growing up. In high school I would skip breakfast and lunch because the harassment and insults just made me hate myself. This gave me so many insecurities about myself. It also led to depression and eating disorders, even purging. These issues lasted until my 30s. Truly only 3 years ago.
Now things aren’t much better, most people haven’t changed from these views. Tons of people still think I’m ugly and bad in the way I take care of myself. But I’ve moved past the issues. This last year really has made me see that I like myself how I am. I’m big, beautiful, and bitchy! The perfect combo!
Sadly, this doesn’t mean that I’m home free. I still struggle with the comments from people and the depression. But that is something that just has to be dealt with. People will still continue their messed up bigoted ways, you just have to rise above it.
Now what does this have to do with being a plus sized geek other than self-love? Well that’s where another part comes into play, the celebrities. I’m here to tell you that even if we put them on a pedestal, they are just like you and me. They are human. As such they can be either sweet and nice or hateful and mean. I’ve had my experiences with sweet, nice and caring celebs that don’t care about my weight (shout out to my boy, Jared Padalecki). I’ve also had experiences with celebs where I’ve gotten comments about my weight, or just rude stares.
I had to realize that when I was trying to force myself to lose weight, I was doing it so others would be proud of me. My family, celebrities, etc. I didn’t care about my health or anything. I forced myself to do stuff I hated, that made me sick and bedridden just for the approval and validation from celebrities I would often see. This is NOT the mindset one should have while losing weight. If you want the celebrities to be proud of you, I can understand that. But that shouldn’t be your reason for doing it. It should be low on the list. The number one should always be you.
Now that I am more comfortable with my weight, I haven’t done a lot to force myself to lose. Now do I sometimes have those thoughts that a celeb would be disappointed in me? Sure. But I know if the celeb actually cared, they wouldn’t be. They would want me to be happy in my own skin.
Now back to the personal. Just because I decided to not actively try to lose weight at the moment doesn’t mean I’ve given up on my health. I have several doctors appointments a year to monitor my health. Should I want to go back to that weight loss journey, that will be my choice. But right now I’m enjoying food and being my sassy, brassy, kiss my assy, fat, beautiful, bitch that I am.
This post is inspired by Broken and Beautiful by Kelly Clarkson as well as Kintsugi.
Hello everyone, I know it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted. A lot has happened since then, and time has just flown by. With Covid, and everything going on in the world my business has been crazy as I normally sell at convention for my income. Without them it has been rough. I’ve also moved in with my partner (which we’ve been together for a year now). But that’s not what this post is about. So get this!
As some of you know, I’ve been working hard on myself since August. I’ve lost 20 pounds and all was going well. That is until my mom decided last minute to move back to the west coast. Of course this through a wrench into my plans. Trying to move everything into storage or a POD in less than a month is a very hard thing to manage when I live about an hour away. As such I have been very depressed, stressed, and falling off the wagon with my healthy living.
When coming home from a hard day of packaging and moving, I was listening to my youtube playlist I’ve been adding music to since 2005. Broken and Beautiful by Kelly Clarkson came on. Listening to the lyrics, it made me think of kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer with gold mixed in. It shows off that a piece might have been broken at one time but it has been healed and become more beautiful with it’s flaws.
The song asks if someone can hold them, and not try to fix them. This made me reflect on my family, not my blood family, but the family I have made through friendships. Where would I be without these people? Honestly, the answer is grim. But through the years I’ve made friends thanks to fandoms be it anime, pride, or supernatural. Of course not everyone I became friends with was good for me. But each one helped me grow into what I am. I am currently a broken piece of pottery. I accept that I’m broken, I accept I have flaws and issues. But I’m working on my own kintsugi. While there might be only a little bit of gold on me, I’m still in the process.
Why did I reference the lyrics? This is because true friends don’t try to “fix” you. They are there for you when you are happy, sad, excited, depressed, etc. NOTE: Now don’t get this muddled. They don’t have to be there for you every time, as people need to focus on themselves as well. True friends will give you tools to try to make things better, but they won’t try to fix you. These are the types of friends I have. I am thankful for the way they have come into my life. With them, even though I am broken and beautiful, I can refine myself into the beautiful piece of kintsugi that I want to be.
I really debated writing this as a blog post, but since I
needed to get my feelings out it was suggested.
This is a warning though, there will be suicide, self harm,
mental and physical abuse, and death talk. If you can’t handle that, please
stop reading now.
This is a bit of a long story, but bear with me. In 2008 I
started dating a guy I knew online who lived on the other side of the US. Not
even a year later I visited him twice, once at his college and once at his
parents. Two years later he visited me.
Then later that year, my mother and I moved across the country so I could be
with him and get a better chance at schooling and jobs. It has been a hard life
to live in this area. We are a poor family while he’s from a well off one. For
the first year or two here, his mother offered to send us back to Oregon and
pay for the full thing. She would always tell me that I was too good for her
son. That he had many issues, and that I wouldn’t be happy. One of the many
signs I should have taken.
Over the years I experienced mental abuse, not by insults
but him needing to have his way. He would get upset when he didn’t get his way,
and I would have to force myself to fit this. I was also party to physical
abuse, while not on myself, on his parents and things around me. I thought
since it wasn’t on me, it wouldn’t be a big deal, that everyone has anger
issues. I was stupid and neive about this. He would also cancel plans at the
drop of a hat, or not even come to see me because of a little rain. In the 11
years we were together, he would forget
my birthday, and wouldn’t spend it or Christmas with me. Only like two years
did he get me gifts at Christmas.
On top of all this, I was mentally abused by his parents. They
would insult me about my income, my business, my personality, even my
appearance. This was all under the guise of trying to “better” me. Honestly, it
was because they were classist and didn’t care for me because I was poor. I can’t
believe this didn’t send me running back
home. I was thinking that I was dating their son and not them.
Through the years, I would still have issues with who I was,
and what I truly felt. I was taught to never give up on a relationship when it
gets hard, to make it work. I regret trying to this day. In 2016, the person
who taught me this and many things in life passed away unexpectedly. My ex’s
parents paid for us to go back to Oregon to deal with the funeral and
everything. When we got back, they made a big deal out of paying for it ($100
total, because they had points). This is the type of people they are.
I tried to work on the relationship more and more, but it
seemed to just keep getting harder and harder to make it work. Between him with
his porn addiction and not really being physical with me (even holding hands or
simple romantic stuff) it became too much. I stopped trying so hard. In 2016, I
also found out about Supernatural conventions and my desire to meet the cast
that helped me in my dark times. I started meeting up with local fans and discovering
myself. Between my business, school, meeting up with those friends, and his
school and work, we saw each other less and less. It came to a head this year
in 2019. A week before the Seattle Supernatural Convention, my ex broke up with
me. Telling me that he was going to be transitioning and that since I’m gay, we
can’t be together. I was upset as this was the first time I heard about this. It
didn’t go over well on either side. We decided to try to make it work, even
with this new information. In May it reached another head right after the
Supernatural Jus In Bello convention in Rome, Italy. We agreed that we just couldn’t
be together, and we would be friends with benefits. Not long after he told me
that he never truly loved me in 11 years. This almost literally killed me. I almost
took to many pills, luckily it didn’t take. I told him I was looking for
someone else. He was fine with this, as he told me it was okay for many years,
even while in our relationship, due to some physical issues he had. I told him
I had a date, and still he was fine. Even when things progressed in my
relationship with someone new, things were fine with me being with the new
person. It wasn’t until I told my ex that we couldn’t have sex anymore after I
started seeing the new person, and refused to tell him about my new sex life
that things got worse. He lost it 3 weeks into my new relationship when I kept
denying him. So much that he demanded his things and threatened me with the
police if I didn’t turn it over within 24 hours. He blocked me on all social
media and text messaging. He then sent his parents to collect his things. Even
his parents threatened me with police for fraud and other things. I handed
everything over, and hopefully things are closed.
This is the end of that story. After all these trails and
regrets, I’ve learnt many things, and some I’m still learning. I do know that
the tree I’ve nurtured and cared for this past 11 years has to be cut down
completely. What I thought was important to my life and relationship, just isn’t
anymore. I need to plant new seeds. Seeds that are completely for me is where I
need to start. I need to figure out who I am, those seeds have been planted, I
just need to grow them. I need to plant seeds of self love and self acceptance.
This is what everyone should have in their own personal forest. While working
on that it’s okay to plant the seeds for new relationships. But take time to
nurture those ones. Make sure you don’t fall into the same traps and dealings
as before.
I’ve found out that I don’t really care too much about my ex
not being in my life. I will always care about him, I was with him for more
than 10 years. He has a place among my forest, just not big anymore. But even
now, I have to desire or even sadness that I won’t have any contact with him. I
think I am better off without someone like that in my life. While my new
partner is much MUCH better, this is not about being in a relationship. This is
about being true to yourself.
In the last couple of years I was discovering myself, and
now I can continue to do that with no issues. It doesn’t matter if you are in a
relationship. If the person you are with actually cares, they will be more than
happy to help you along the way. I have discovered that I like tattoos on
myself, even if I can’t handle the pain all that much, that I enjoy dying my hair,
going to conventions especially Supernatural ones, and I enjoy being needed and
loved by other people. Something that was lacking in my relationship. I’m still
on my journey of figuring out who I am, and what I’m doing with my life, but I
know there are people there for me, be it friends, family, or even my new
partner. Always be true to yourself and learn from your past mistakes (and
mine), so you don’t repeat history!
I have recently started my weight loss journey again. As a part of that I’m being more active on social media with the journey, that way friends can hold me accountable as I go. This has led me to the subject of the blog post today, praise. In my case it is the inability to accept praise from others.
With being more active on social media for my weight loss
journey, people are posting more that they are proud of me, and when I post the
occasional selfie, cute. But I also receive praise from other sources such as when
I post my photo ops on social media, and for my crafts. But for some reason, I
just don’t accept them or believe them.
Occasionally praise does put me in a good mood, like with
most people. But more often than not, I get a feeling that it means nothing. I
believe this stems from my childhood. As a kid, I tried my best to be the good
child as my older sister had a lot of issues. I tried to do well in school, but
failed that. I tried to be outgoing and social, failed that as well. Add that
with being an overly obese teen, I didn’t get praised a lot. Rather I got
insulted, bulled, harassed and even worse. Now my home life wasn’t the worst.
My mom and grandmother did their best. But I think they assumed that I knew I
was proud of them, or that praise was only for when something amazing happened.
Sadly, due to growing up like this, it corrupted my adult
mind as well. When someone tells me I’m cute, I don’t believe them. I feel like
they are just saying that and it’s a big joke. Being called ugly, fat, etc has
led to many body issues. I even started in a weight loss group with my mother
and grandmother called T.O.P.S (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) when I was only 16 or
17. I was trying to get into shape because my partner at the time was I was too
overweight and he wanted someone smaller.
The group was amazing, and the other members we such
sweeties (they were all older women, who viewed me as their own kid). Sadly, I
didn’t try hard enough, I slacked off and gained. That partner cheated on me
and got a girl pregnant. This led to other issues such has fear of being lied
too, fear of commitment, etc.
After a while I moved on with someone who complimented me
all the time. It felt nice, but I could never believe it. Even after moving across
the country to be with him, and being with him for over 10 years, I could never
believe his praise. The memories of high school still haunted me, tainting me.
After being dumped, those feelings returned once more with vengeance.
They made me think about who I am as a person. In the end I
realized that I worry too much about things, I focus on bad stuff, stress out
over nothing, can’t take a compliment, and love Supernatural. I am a massively
flawed human being. It’s who I am.
But it isn’t who I
have to stay. I am working little by little to change who I am to become who I
want to be.
People I look up to believe in me, so I need to believe in
myself as well. Jared has told me he loves me, yet I can’t love myself? I
believe him, so why can’t I believe myself.
I have a group of friends I’ve met through this fandom who
believe in me. While I might not always believe their comments, and sometimes
believe that they don’t truly like me, I know they are here for me. They are
teaching me that I am worthy of praise, that I do things that I should be proud
of.
There is one friend in particular who gives me praise over every little thing I do that she views I did a good job at. She’s told me she’s proud of me several times this week. The outcome? I don’t believe it 100%, but it literally brought me to tears. Tears that I didn’t even know where hiding, because someone said they were proud of me. This friend has known me less than a year and in already unlocking deep parts of me that I keep hidden. She pushes my limits without going too far, and is always there for me when I need her. To be honest, I don’t think I’d be on the weight loss journey again if it wasn’t for her.
Now I will say not all comments and praise is real. I have
learnt that the hard way. But that doesn’t mean not to accept them. Just learn
to tell the difference between real, earnest praise, and the superficial ones.
I guess in the end, you need to decide what you want in your
life. I have been beaten, abuse, and mentally screwed over enough to break me.
But I have decided to grow from these times, but not forget them. They shaped
who I am today, and to be honest, we never truly forget the bad times. We have
to experience better, happier times.
I guess what I’m saying is surround yourself with friends
and family who bring out the good in you. You might not believe them all the
time, but you will start to believe it more. It’s all a learning process, you might
take a step back every so often, but that’s life. All you have to do is start!
I’ve been debating if I wanted to write my full story so soon. But with the news that the show will be ending next season, it seems appropriate. I will give a warning that this post will be full of depression, self-hate, rape, self-harm, suicide, and more dark matters. But it is also a story of persistence, stubbornness, self-realization and more.
If you’ve ready my story in “CONventional Wisdom: Every Con Has A Story” or seen some of my stories on Twitter, Facebook, or even Tumblr, some of this will be a repeat. But this will be the full story for you to hear, not just little tidbits.
My story started in 2015. While I had seen episodes of Supernatural during the first run of season 1, I found some of the episodes really creepy (I’m not a horror fan), and disregarded it at that age. Fast forward to 2015 I was bored and wanted something to watch and a friend suggested Supernatural. I had enjoyed Jared in Gilmore Girls, and started to enjoy Supernatural. Just like that I fell down the rabbit hole. I spaced out watching the show so I could watch Season 11 when it came out. As I started into the fandom, I found out about Jared’s “Always Keep Fighting” campaign and his own fight with depression. It really hit home and made me relate with him better, and even look up to him more. Even since I was a child I was bullied for being overweight. This got even worse when I was in high school. Then I came out gay during a freshman book report not really meaning to. This did not help matters. Things got so bad that I was actually raped in the bathroom at school, and no punishment happened to my abusers. I actually tried to commit suicide at least once during that time. Things got so bad, that I quit high school during my Junior year. Even leaving school didn’t stop the abuse. I started getting harassed online during this time. Between then and 2015 several suicide attempts were made. As you can tell though, none of them stuck.
I found out that Supernatural conventions were a thing by looking up local conventions in the DC area to sell at. I was so excited! I joined some Facebook groups dedicated to the DC convention. This is where Supernatural and Jared Padalecki helped me come out of my shell. I am still a shy and reserved person today, well until you get to know me. But someone in the groups talked about doing meet-ups for people local to the Northern Virginia area. I started doing these once a month for almost a year before the convention. It was a way to get to know other fans and have someone to go to the con together. A few of these people even went on a road trip to NJCon 2017 on the spur of the moment. I was able to make friends from all around the world due to these first connections. If it wasn’t for meeting up with them, I probably would have chickened out and not gone to the convention. While I might not be friends with some of these original people, they have really helped me out of my shell.
Jared also helped me in another way and he doesn’t even know. My first interaction with him was at DCCon 2017. I had planned photo op poses of a forehead touch and a dancing dip. I was told that he probably wouldn’t do these because not only was I overweight, I was also a male. When it came time for the photo ops though, Jared was much more excited than I was! It was this experience that cemented my place in the fandom. Jared could have easily told me no, and I would have went with hugs, but no, that’s not Jared. He has continued to be amazing the more cons I have been to. On my third time meeting him, he actually remembered me. While he doesn’t know my name (something I hope to fix at Chicon this year), he remembers me. That means the world.
AKF done in June of 2018.
I still have issues to this day with depression and anxiety. Last year I designed and got an “Always Keep Fighting” tattoo in Jared’s handwriting. I am planning to get a “You Are Not Alone” tattoo after Chicon. I’m getting these because they remind me everyday that I need to keep going, that there are people in this fandom, that aren’t blood but are still family, that want me around. They keep me reminded that I need to break out of my bubble. That I need to experience life and not hide away. And I have been doing this. I have traveled the US going to cons, I’ve even been to Rome, Italy! They even inspire me to be healthier. I might be scared, but I know it’s for the best.
To be perfectly clear, Supernatural saved my life. There is no doubt about that at all. It is the kindness that the fandom shows and even the stubbornness to be there for you. The show might be ending, but the fandom will live on. They will be there to protect you, to nurture new fans, to even save the world. This isn’t the end, it’s the beginning of something even better!
For my first subject I’m tackling something that a lot of people struggle with, myself included. This subject is one’s weight. This is a very sensitive subject for all people involved. I would know, I look plus sized, but I weigh a lot more than people think. Now I know this can be a sensitive subject, but please bare with me during this post.
I’ve personally struggled with weight my whole life. I have even been classed as morbidly obese for most of it. It is something that I currently struggle with in my daily life, even today. I come from a family with obesity issues. It doesn’t help that my family has grown up poor, leading to meals with whatever we could get our hands on, rather than the healthier options. This also plays a part in the food I eat and crave today, even though I’m trying to change that. Combine that with years of mental, and physical harassment and torture growing up through school, it has led to some serious self-loathing, depression and body issues.
You might be asking yourself what this has to do with fandom life, well it is because of two little words: Photo Ops. Yes, the exciting yet nerve racking photo ops. These are what a lot of fans go for at conventions like Supernatural cons, or even Wizard World.
For those that are new to conventions like Creation’s Supernatural cons, or Wizard World, photo ops are just what is sounds like. They are photo opportunities with your favorite celebrities. The opportunities to have these photo ops and interactions with the people I look up to is amazing and it is what keeps me going in a dreadful world. Sadly, there is a dark side behind those curtains. I hear all these amazing and beautiful people on twitter and at cons talking about how fat they are and how they have to lose all this weight to look good for their photo ops. Some of these people probably weigh a third of what I do. It’s a very vicious cycle, even one I fall for.
When we are at the con, worry seems to fade away as we get that con high. We might still fidget about our hair, make-up, clothes, etc. Little things we can fix. Once we lay eyes on the people we look up to and idolize, everything melts away. We just live in that moment. The guests treat you like a Queen (or King in some cases, but not mine!), or at least the ones I’ve met do. They know how to make you feel special, like the world just melts away and is just the two of you, even if the op only lasts a few seconds.
The dread comes after the photo op is done and the high wears off. Most of us start thinking things like: Omg, what face did I make? Did I blink? Oh, please let me look skinny in the picture!I just hope I looked good, I don’t want it to be a waste! and such. It’s a cycle that repeats if you have multiple photos ops in a day. You get that high again until it’s over and then the thoughts return. It is only settled until you pick up your photo ops.
When one picks up their photo ops at creation events, they are all on one big area for everyone to see. You look over all the ops to find yours and claim it. There is no one watching the table, and it’s just a free for all. I thought this was the norm since 2017 as I’ve never gotten another photo op at another convention until just last month at Wizard World Portland. At Wizard World, you go the set area with their photo op staff, and the photo prints right there for you.
There are upsides and downsides to both of these. At Wizard World conventions, the photos are printed right after you get it taken. The upside is no one sees your photo op if you are quick enough. The downside is they don’t touch up the photo ops. They are printed just as you took them. At Creation events, you get the amazing photographer Chris Schmelke. He is what makes the photo ops so amazing. First, the upsides for Creation. Chris will retake photo ops if they aren’t to his liking, or if you blinked (he does miss this sometimes though). Chris and his staffer will also touch up the photo ops before printing so that will look better. The only downside for the ops is being on the photo op table. This can be a downside for few reasons. One is because everyone can see your photo op and how you looked in it. The other is because if people like your op, some ill mannered people will take photos of your photo and post it online, normally with you cropped out of it (I know this has happened at least one convention I was at).
You can see the differences yourself
My first ever photo op. Taken at NJCon in September of 2017.
My first Wizard World photo op. Taken at Wizard World Portland in February 2019.
On top of the differences in quality, you can see the difference in weight for me. The first photo was first Ruth, taken in September 2017 when my weight was 390. The second photo was taken last month with Brian Krause and Holly Marie Combs (plus a friend), my weight was 430. A lot of this weight gain had to deal with my depression spiraling and getting worse. It is currently something I’m working on.
Now if I focus on my weight, I hate 100% of all the photo ops I have gotten. I have spent so much on these photo ops. Just this year I have spent around 2 ½ grand on photo ops for four conventions this year alone.
You might be wondering why I would spend so much on these ops if I hate how I look in them? That’s very simple. I don’t hate the memory. Chris is able to capture the feelings and passions of that moment in photo form. When I look at the photo ops, I focus on that memory, or how the actors look together. I try to ignore my own self-loathing.
Even with all my weigh issues, these pictures are some of the best times of my life. Not only that, but my first photo ops with Jared Padalecki have actually made people jealous of me, a massively obese MALE in this fandom. On top of that, some of my poses (like the one below) have actually inspired others who felt their weight would limit their poses with actors. Someone actually thought I was dating Jared and Misha! That was a total confidence booster to be sure! People never talk about my weight (or at least that I’ve seen), they only talk about how happy I look, or how the actor looks.
One of my first photo ops taken with Jared Padalecki at DCCon in November 2017
Sadly, all this doesn’t take away from the self-loathing I have. The years of mental abuse I’ve received have done their damage. I look in the mirror and see an ogre. Someone who is not worthy of love, or even of being in the same room with Jared, let alone snuggled close to him. I often get told I’m being too hard on myself, that I should learn to love myself and accept my body. But in reality, that won’t happen until I am more comfortable with myself. It is a journey that I am on, that I hope to reach one day.
I cannot give advice to people on how to deal with their weight or the self-loathing one might have. I can only say that if it makes you unhappy, try to change it. I can say that big changes right off the bat never work for me. I have to start small or I fall back into my old habits. I will say that if you are worried about your weight in a photo and are unsure, GET THE PHOTO OP! It is an experience not to be missed. You get to be near the actor you enjoy, and they aren’t judging you. If you don’t do it, you might regret it later.
I hope this gives you more of an insight to my person life, and how some of the fandom feels.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Kevin. You might know me by a few other names. Most of you might know me as Kevin Roma, but I also go by Taiyou Kitsune, and in my published works, Kevin Andersen. For those who might think these sound familiar, I am on several Supernatural facebook groups, the Amino, a fandom themed youtube vlog, and I was even published in the book “CONventional Wisdom: Every con has a story.”
Now that the formalities are out of the way, this is the maiden voyage on this blog, a way to get to know me. So hold on tight and get ready to set sail.
Who are you?
Right off the bat I, will say I’m sassy, brassy, kiss my assy. I give everyone this little warning as I take no shit when it’s given to me. Other than this, I’m a plus-sized male college student who owns his own online business selling fandom themed bath and body products, as well as textile crafts. On top of all this, I’m complete and utter Supernatual trash, and proud of it. One thing lots of people don’t know is that my mindset isn’t a common one that a male would have. Being honest, my mindset is more that of a female, but happy with a male body.
What is this blog
going to be about?
This blog will feature some content from by vlog series, but
it will be more than that. It is about the journey of a male fan who is out of
place in fandoms, and the struggles he goes through in this journey.
Why would I want to
read that?
Now you might ask yourself why would I read your blog or
content when I can do the same and relate better to other female fans? That’s a
very good question. I am male, but as stated above, I am more mentally female.
I have the same feelings and responses to our favorite characters and actors,
and yes, all the same feelings. What makes my blog different is that it’s from
the view of a male. Honestly, you don’t get to see that side much in the
Supernatural fandom. Not only that, but the blog will feature content you can
relate to as well. Such as, being plus-sized, depression, and even crafts. All
of these items will have fandom playing a role in it.
So please, if any of this interests you, please stay around
for some old content and some hopefully exciting new content!
